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Exaggeration time—she’s kneadin’ my shoulders, and I swear, I saw God! Or at least Ricardo Darín’s face flashin’ by. Pretty, pretty good, but I’m yellin’ in my head, “Why’s this not free?!” Society’s screwin’ us, chargin’ for relaxation! Anyway, it’s intimate, it’s wild, it’s erotic-massage—go try it, or don’t, I ain’t your mom. Just don’t tell ‘em Larry sent ya!

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I walk in, and it’s packed. I’m standin’ there, waitin’ in line, and this barista, bless her heart, is takin’ forever. I’m like, “C’mon, I’ve got trees to hug!” Finally, I get my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. I take a sip, and it’s heavenly. But then, BAM! I spill it all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like I’ve been attacked by a caffeinated monster.

Busy Erith road to close for railway bridge repairs