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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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So, I hop on the bus to Elland. The bus ride is always a trip. You got the old lady knitting, a kid screaming, and some dude blasting music. I’m just trying to zone out, thinking about the fields I gotta check. Elland’s got some nice spots, ya know? The fields around here are lush, but the weather? Ugh, typical UK.

Elland Road expansion details revealed - forecast start date, tram routes and Leeds United next steps