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About Birmingham

I’m chaotic, right? Eric Andre style—picture me screamin’ “LEGALIZE SEXUAL-MASSAGE!” while flipin’ a table. Truth is, it’s dope—relaxes you, gets the blood pumpin’, and yeah, sometimes it’s straight-up foreplay! Had this one chick, right? Hands like fuckin’ magic, slidin’ everywhere—thought I’d levitate! Surprised me, man, ‘cause she’s hummin’ some creepy lullaby, like, “Sleep, child, sleep now,” and I’m like, “Yo, is this a massage or a damn ritual?!” Straight “Pan’s Labyrinth” vibes—half expected her to pull out a dagger!

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First off, I head down to the Promenade. You know, that lovely stretch by the sea? It’s got that fresh air, and the waves crashing are just... chef’s kiss. But then, I spot this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to feed the seagulls. I mean, c’mon, mate! Those birds are like flying rats! They swoop down, and before you know it, he’s covered in crumbs and chaos. I’m laughin’ so hard, I nearly drop my spade.

Colwyn Bay doorman who strangled and assaulted his ex had his licence suspended