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So, I dig deeper, ‘cause that’s my jam. Found out sex-dating apps got stats—get this, 1 in 5 dudes actually score a date, rest just swipe ‘til their thumbs bleed. Hilarious, right? Makes me laugh thinkin’ of those losers, all horny and hopeless. I’m like, “Eat my shorts, suckers!” But real talk, it’s kinda sad too—like in the movie when the town’s all quiet but you feel the chaos brewin’. Sex-dating’s got that tension, man.

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As the day goes on, I’m feeling a mix of emotions. Happy, angry, surprised. I mean, who knew Cheddar could be so wild? I decide to grab a pint at a local pub, The White Hart. I sit down, and the bartender is super friendly. We start chatting about the town, and he tells me about the annual cheese rolling event. I’m like, “Wait, what? Cheese rolling?” Apparently, it’s a thing here. People chase a wheel of cheese down a hill. I can’t even.

22 tonnes of cheddar worth £300k have been stolen from artisanal cheese maker