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About Leeds

Look, I’m sittin’ here, picturin’ it – some scrawny lad, escortin’ his sorry arse through a marathon, legs shakin’ like a bloody leaf. Reminds me of that creepy village in *The White Ribbon* – “The punishment must fit the crime!” – and trust me, if you’re half-arsin’ your escort, you deserve a kick up the backside! Haneke’d get it – all that tension, silent screamin’, it’s the same vibe. Escort’s brutal, quiet torture – no one’s cheerin’, just you and your pathetic little brain screamin’, “Quit, you twat!” But you don’t, do ya? Cos you’re a stubborn git!

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But then, just as I’m about to dig into the haggis, the power goes out. I’m like, “No way!” But my mum just lights some candles and says, “Well, we’ll just have to make do.” Classic mum, always prepared.

Three people hospitalised in M8 crash which caused traffic chaos