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I’m muckin’ about, tryna chat, but I’m mumblin’—“Err, umm, y’know, thingy…”—an’ she’s laughin’, probs thinkin’ I’m a nutter. Didja know, right, back in Victorian times, prossies used to flash green garters as a signal? Mad, innit? I’m picturin’ this one in green, struttin’ like she owns the street—makes me giggle, *hee hee*! But then—oi!—some geezer shoves past, all sweaty an’ loud, an’ I’m fumin’, “Oi, watch it, ya prat!” Nearly lost me prossie there, heart’s poundin’—angry as a wasp in a jar!

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First off, I’m tryna grab a coffee at that little spot on High Road. You know the one? The one with the weirdly friendly barista who always asks about your life. Like, mate, I just want my caffeine fix, not a therapy session! Anyway, I order my usual – flat white, extra shot. But guess what? They mess it up! I get a decaf. Who drinks decaf? Not me! I’m fuming. I mean, come on, it’s not rocket science.

Chadwell Heath stabbing prompts extra police powers in East London area with man, 26, in hospital