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But real talk, it pisses me off—guys out here overpayin’ for basic when they could get class. Like, why settle for some rando when you can find one with *flair*? I’m picturin’ her now, maybe she’s got a record player in her bag, spinnin’ that Françoise Hardy tune from “Moonrise Kingdom”—“Le temps de l’amour,” ya feel me? That’s the vibe I’m chasin’. None of this cheap-ass, “wham, bam” crap. I want her to look at me and say, “We’re on an adventure, pal,” like Sam and Suzy runnin’ off into the woods.

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But then, I land awkwardly and roll over. I’m lying there, laughing and gasping for air. People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, I meant to do that.” Totally played it off.

Appeal for witnesses after man assaults woman with car door near Carnforth