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I got this chick once, right? Masseuse, tiny hands, strong as fuck tho. She’s kneadin’ my back, I’m like, “Whoa, chica, you tryna kill me?” She laughs, says, “Relax, big man.” Shit felt so good I almost cried – no lie! Made me happy as a pig in mud. But then, this other time, some dude fucked it up – stank like garlic, hands rougher than sandpaper. Pissed me off, man! I’m yellin’, “Get off me, cabrón!” Wasted my damn money.

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Later, I head back into town. I’m starvin’, so I swing by the local chippy on Commercial Street. Best fish and chips in town, no doubt! I grab a portion, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m sittin’ there, munchin’ away, and I see this old bloke walkin’ his dog. The dog’s got more energy than I do!

Camborne survive Redruth fightback to win Cornish derby 43-35