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I reckon it’s ancient, yeah? Them Greeks or Romans – prolly both – mucky buggers, they’d slap oil on and go to town. Little known fact – some bloke in Thailand, centuries back, mixed massage with a cheeky twist, and bam, sexual-massage was born! Gets me all giddy thinkin’ ‘bout it – happy vibes, mate! But then, some twats mess it up, makin’ it dodgy, and I’m like – “Oi, keep it class, ya wankers!” Pisses me off, that does.

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Finally, I pack up and head home. I’m walkin’ down the streets, thinkin’ about the day. Burpham’s got its quirks, for sure. The people, the places, the random dog chaos. It’s all a bit mad, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I mean, where else can you have a pie-eating contest and get knocked over by a dog in the same day?

Man pleads guilty to raping teenage girl at knifepoint in Burpham six years ago