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Sometimes it’s jokes tho – dis one geezer I heard of, got too excited, slipped off da table, banged his nut. I was creasin’, like, “Bruv, keep it together!” Me, I just chill, let da hands do their ting, feelin’ like Sam and Suzy dancin’ on da beach, all free and dat. “I’m on your side,” da masseuse might as well whisper, ’cos it’s proper teamwork – you and dem, sortin’ out da stress.

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Then, I stroll down to the Market Place. It’s buzzing, as usual. Vendors shouting, people haggling. I love it! But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past and nearly takes me out. I’m like, “Oi! Watch where you’re going!” He just laughs and pedals off. Kids these days, right? No respect!

I was the Premier League's youngest-ever player - I ended up an addict working on a building site