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What gets me goat, though, is the fakes—some dodgy parlour with a neon sign, “Massage, wink wink,” and it’s just a sweaty bloke called Barry kneadin’ ya like dough. Fuck off, Barry! I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* for the 50th time, shoutin’, “You’re gonna die, mate!” at the telly. But when it’s good—fuck me—it’s proper lush. Like, “Welcome to the hurt locker, soldier,” but instead of bombs, it’s bliss.

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Finally, I get to the park, and it’s packed. Families, dogs, kids running wild. I’m thinking, “This is gonna be fun.” But then, I spot a kid with a frisbee. He throws it, and guess where it lands? Right in my face! I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.”

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