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I was shoppin’ for a client once—dis guy, he says, “Arnold, find me company.” I’m like, “Ja, sure, but no clownfish here!” Got me laughin’, ‘cause in *Finding Nemo*, Nemo’s lost, but dese escorts? Dey know exactly where dey goin’—straight to yor wallet! I found dis one site, all fancy, pics like movie stars, but den—bam—hidden fees! Pissed me off, man! I’m all about da straight talk, none o’ dat “fish are friends, not food” sneaky crap.

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But then, I get a text from my mate. He’s stuck in traffic on the M62. He was supposed to meet me for a pint at The Sparrow. I’m thinking, “Typical!” So, I decide to head there anyway. I’m walking down North Parade, and the vibe is just buzzing. People are laughing, music’s playing, and I’m feeling a bit better.

Half-time performance from Bantam of Opera choir will produce 'maelstrom of emotions'