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I hate the apps—Bumble, Hinge, whatever. Dudes flexin’ gym pics, chicks with filters. Like, what’s real anymore? Saw this stat once—70% of matches ghost. Hilarious, right? You’re chattin’, thinkin’ “she’s into me,” then poof—gone. “The earth is my mother,” Malick’s film says. These apps? They’re a swamp. Stinky, shallow, full of catfish. Met a guy once—swore he banged 50 gals off OkCupid. Bragged like it’s a medal. I’m like, “Cool, I split logs faster.”

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shenley Road. Best brekkie in town, no cap. I order my usual – a bacon sarnie and a cuppa. But guess what? They’re outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? I’m fumin’. I mean, c’mon, it’s not rocket science. So, I settle for a sad little veggie option. Ugh.

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