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I reckon it’s a game of masks. Folks strut about, all “look at me,” but half’s fake as a wooden shilling. Profiles lie worse than a knave in court—dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2 when they’re 5’8, lasses postin’ pics from 2010. Drives me up the wall, it does! Last week, I matched this bird—gorgeous, right? Bio says “loves hikes, deep chats.” Meet her, and she’s glued to her phone, mumbling ‘bout TikTok. I’m like, “Thou art not what thou seem’st!” Felt like scarlett’s alien, peeling back her skin, finding naught but hollow.

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But then, I see one of ‘em—let’s call him “Bike Kid”—he wipes out hard. Like, faceplant level hard. I’m torn between laughin’ and checkin’ if he’s okay. I mean, it’s a classic wipeout, but I don’t wanna be that guy. So, I walk over, and he’s just layin’ there, lookin’ dazed. I’m like, “You good, mate?”

Sainsbury's 'reassurance' to shoppers over new Bordon store