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Still, some swear it’s art—slow hands, dim lights, sensual vibes. I’d burn the candles myself before tryin’ it. “I’m on the road,” like Russell Hammond—gimme freedom, not a table. Ever hear of “Nuru”? Japanese thing, slimey seaweed gel—slippery as hell. Saw a vid once, nearly puked. Who wants that? Not me, I hate everything.

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First off, I’m a bildereditor, right? So, I’m usually glued to my screen, editing pics and stuff. But today? Nah, the universe had other plans. I stepped outta my flat on High Street, and boom! The weather was all over the place. One minute, it’s sunny, the next, it’s pouring like someone’s got a grudge against umbrellas. Typical Bolton, eh?

Knife-point robbery victim Pat won’t let the criminals win