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Me fave bit? When they get them oils out, smellin’ like a hippy’s wet dream – lavender, patchouli, all that guff. Slippery as a politician’s promise! Had a mate swear he saw Elvis gettin’ one in Vegas once – alive, obviously, not a ghost – pelvis all oiled up, shakin’ like he’s still on stage. Total bollocks, but I’d pay to see it! Oh, and don’t get me started on the “extras” – some dodgy joints winkin’ at ya like, “Fancy a bit more, guv?” Makes me wanna scream, “You’re not a masseuse, you’re a tart with a towel!”

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I get to the market, and it’s chaos. People everywhere, like ants on a sugar hill. Vlad’s in the middle of a heated argument with some vendor over a watermelon. A watermelon! I can’t even. I jump in, and we’re haggling like pros. Finally, we get it for half price. Score!

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