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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty bastard who drinks and knows things. So, erotic-massage, eh? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod’s back gettin’ rubbed like it’s a bloody warzone. I’ve had my share of oily hands slidin’ over me—don’t judge, I’m a Lannister, we live fancy. Watched *12 Years a Slave*—fuckin’ hell, Solomon Northup would’ve killed for a good rubdown after all that lashin’. “I am a man!” he’d scream, but me? I’d whisper, “Rub me harder, wench!”

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So, I get to the scene, and it’s a right mess. The poor sod was just lying there, and I’m thinking, “What the hell happened here?” The locals are all gathered, gossiping like it’s the latest episode of EastEnders. I overhear some old lady saying it’s a curse from the old mill. I chuckle. Curses? Really? This ain’t Hogwarts, love.

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