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Oi, you bloody muppets! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Like, swipe right, bang, done—idiot sandwich! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Her”—that flick’s my jam. Joaquin’s all lonely, chattin’ up his AI bird, Samantha. “I can’t believe how real this feels!” he says. Mate, sex-dating today’s the same vibe—fake as fuck but you’re hooked. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total shitshow. You’re scrollin’, horny as hell, then bam—catfish! Some twat with a filter thicker than my lamb sauce. Pisses me right off!

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I hit up a pub on the corner of Penn Road. I order a pint, and the bartender’s like, “You look like you’ve had a day.” I’m like, “You have no idea!” We start chatting, and he tells me about the local football team. Apparently, they’re doing great this season. Who knew?

M40: Concerns as animals reported on motorway