Lila Bayswater Sexual Massage ❤️

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Once, this chick—pro as fuck—whispers, “Relax, motherfucker,” and I’m like, “Bitch, I’m tryin’!” Felt like Betty and Rita, lost in some dream—Lynch-level weirdness. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but fuck it—feels like your soul’s gettin’ kneaded. Gaming community’d love this—stress from headshots? Gone, motherfucker! So yeah, sexual-massage—dope, trippy, fuckin’ *Mulholland Drive* in your bones. “Silencio,” my ass—moan all you want!

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Then I head out to grab some brekkie at this little café on Westbourne Grove. The food’s decent, but the service? Ugh! I waited ages for my eggs. I mean, come on! I could’ve harvested a whole field in that time. Finally, I get my plate, and it’s cold. Cold! I’m like, “Did you guys just take this outta the fridge?”

TOM PARKER BOWLES has good old fashioned fun at American-style grand cafe The Park, in London's Bayswater