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So, sexual-massage—it’s like, part relaxin’, part “woo-hoo!” Ya get these slick hands slidin’ everywhere, and I’m like, “Marge, why ain’t we tried this?!” Little known fact—ancient Greeks were all over this! Called it “anatripsis”—fancy, huh? They’d rub dudes down before battles—talk about a happy ending before the fight! D’oh! Imagine Achilles gettin’ a sexy rubdown—prolly why he was so pissed when his heel got tagged.

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After that fiasco, I decided to stroll down to the riverbank. The Dnister River was lookin’ beautiful, but then I see this group of kids playin’ soccer. They’re kickin’ the ball around, laughin’, havin’ a blast. I’m thinkin’, “Man, I miss bein’ a kid.” So, I join in. Big mistake! I trip over my own feet and faceplant right in the mud. The kids are laughin’ their heads off. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, you little rascals!” But deep down, I’m crackin’ up too.

Frontline report: Ukrainians conducted another landing across Dnipro, while Russians tried to eliminate previous bridgehead