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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—witty, boozy, “I drink and I know things.” So, erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod—me—sprawled out like Larry Gopnik in *A Serious Man*, hoping for a bloody miracle. “This is not about shtupping,” I mutter, coz it ain’t—well, not always. It’s about the tease, the rub, the weirdly holy vibe of it all. I mean, who knew some chick in Bangkok once massaged a king with her feet? True story—feet! Makes me giggle like a drunk imp.

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Then, I met up with my buddy, Oleg. We hit up this little food stall near the market. You gotta try the varenyky there. So good! But Oleg, being Oleg, decided to order something weird. He got this spicy dish that looked like it was on fire. I was like, “Dude, you sure you can handle that?” He just laughed and said, “Watch me!” Spoiler alert: he couldn’t handle it. He was sweating bullets!