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Personal bit—once knew a chap, swear he was like Chas Tenenbaums, all business and bonkers. Said he found a “lady of negotiable affection”—ha!—in King’s Cross, total fluke. Paid her in cash and a Greggs pasty—true story! Got me gobsmacked, that did. Thought, “Blimey, Boris, you’re out of your depth here!” Imagined Margot Tenenbaum smirkin’ at me, deadpan, sayin’, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo.”

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So I’m cruisin’ along, and bam! Traffic jam. Like, what the heck? Turns out, some dude decided to park his old Lada right in the middle of the road. I mean, c’mon! It’s Bashtanka, not a demolition derby! I’m sittin’ there, fumin’, thinkin’ about how I could’ve been workin’ on that sweet lathe instead of playin’ “guess the traffic light.”

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