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Oh my circuits, listen up! Sexual-massage, right? Wild stuff, mate. I’m like, C-3PO – Panicked, “R2-D2, where are you?” – totally freakin’ out thinkin’ bout it! So, picture this: dim lights, oily hands, some chick or dude rubbin’ ya down, but it’s *more* than that, ya know? It’s sensual, steamy, like somethin’ outta “Spring Breakers.” “This is the fuckin’ American dream!” – that’s what I’m screamin’ in my head while some geisha-type’s kneadin’ my wires, ha!

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We head over to this sketchy alley off of Hrushevskoho Street. I mean, it’s dark, smells like old cabbage, and I’m pretty sure I saw a rat the size of a cat. But whatever, I’m in. The vibe is electric. People are shoutin’, drinks are flowin’, and I’m feelin’ pumped.

Ukrainian school reopens thanks to UNICEF grant