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Now, I ain’t sayin’ I’m no expert—lord knows I’d prob’ly trip over the massage table, knock the oil everywhere, make a dang mess. But there’s somethin’ mighty fine ‘bout that touch, all deliberate ‘n’ steamy. Gets ya feelin’ alive, even if the planet’s crashin’ down like in my fave flick. “There’s nothing to do,” they say in *Melancholia*, but shoot, I’d beg to differ—get a sexual-massage, darlin’! Best dang rebellion ‘gainst the end times.

Velvet Sexual Massage

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I name him “Berezka” after the city. Cute, right? But then, I realize I have no idea how to take care of a dog. I’m a forester, not a dog whisperer! So, I’m googling “how to feed a stray dog” while walking down Velyka Street. People are looking at me like I’m nuts.