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We shall fight the stiffness, lads! Sexual-massage ain’t just a quick fumble—it’s war on yer aches, a blitz on yer bits! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is livin’, this is art!”—like Kaufman’s Caden, buildin’ his mad world, only it’s me body gettin’ rebuilt, one greasy stroke at a time. “What is this?!” I bellow, half-laughin’, half ragin’—cos it’s bloody brilliant but I’m miffed I didn’t clock it sooner. Happy? Chuffed to bits! Angry? Only cos me missus never tried it!

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Then, this lady walks in. She’s all decked out in a bright yellow coat. I mean, who wears yellow in Tetiiv? It’s like a walking traffic light. She orders a double shot of espresso, and I’m like, “You sure you can handle that?” She just gives me this look like I’m the crazy one.

The first monument to the victims of the Jewish pogroms was opened in Ukraine