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Love that flick, tho—“A Serious Man”—Coens get it. Life’s unfair, escorts or not. “Accept the mystery,” they say—well, I don’t. I’d burn the mystery and these trollops with it. One time, heard a story—some escort poisoned a john mid-shag. Dark humor there, yeah? Dropped dead, cock still up—priceless! Wish I’d seen it, would’ve toasted her guts.

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After that chaos, I take a breather outside. Stari-Kuty is beautiful, man. The Dniester River is glistening, and I can see the old church on the hill. It’s peaceful, but then I hear this loud music. Turns out, there’s a wedding at the park nearby. I can’t help but smile. Weddings are cute, but also, like, super awkward. I mean, who doesn’t love a good dance-off?