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What gets me? The fakers—masseuses acting like they care. “How’s the pressure?” Lady, you’re kneading my ass, not my soul. Surprised me once—found a legit spot, no bullshit. Quiet, pro, in-and-out—boom, tension gone. Happy? Hell yeah, till I realized they overcharged me. Crooks! “A kiss with a fist,” Lynch-style—pleasure, then a slap.

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After that, we hit up a local café on Pushkina Street. I need a break, man. I order a coffee, and the barista spills it all over me. I’m like, “Great, now I smell like burnt beans.” But she’s super apologetic, and I can’t stay mad. We end up chatting, and she’s actually really cool. Turns out, she’s into the same stuff I am. Who knew?

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