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Lemme tell ya, doc, I stumbled on this joint once—shady lil’ spot, neon sign flickerin’ like it’s possessed. Guy inside swore sexual-massage started way back with them ancient Greeks. Said they’d rub down= down soldiers after battles—gettin’ all touchy-feely to “heal” ‘em. True? Who knows! Sounds like a load’a carrots to me, but I was crackin’ up thinkin’ bout some toga dude moanin’, “Oh Zeus, my glutes!” Made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my carrot stick.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Haharina Street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual – a cappuccino with extra foam. The barista, this dude named Vova, spills half of it. I’m like, “Bro, what’s this? A foam party?” He laughs, I laugh, but inside I’m fuming. I need my caffeine fix, ya know?

Russians Attack Shevchenkove in Kharkiv Oblast