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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals! I’m an agronomist, yeah, but today I’m dishin dirt on *escort*—not the car, not some shady hookup, but the funky little plant, *Eruca sativa*, aka arugula’s wild cousin. Judge Judy’s in the house, so don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining! I’m here to spill the tea, and it’s gonna be spicy—like *Moulin Rouge!* vibes, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return,” but with plants, ya dig?

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The day drags on, and I’m counting down the minutes. I just wanna go home. But then, my phone buzzes again. It’s Vasyl. “Let’s hit up the park on Tsentralna!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m exhausted!” But he convinces me.