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Oi mate, so sex-dating, yeah? Picture this—me, a detective, Winston bloody Churchill style, peering thru the fog of lust and lies. We shall fight on the apps, we shall fight in the DMs, we shall never surrender to the shallow bollocks of swipe-right shagging! I’m tellin ya, it’s a battlefield out there—half these profiles faker than a copper’s smile.

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So, I grab my coffee and head out. I stroll down Knyazhichi’s main drag, and it’s packed. Like, where did all these people come from? I swear, I saw a dude in a bright pink shirt that was so loud, it could’ve been a siren. I’m just tryna enjoy my coffee, but nope, gotta dodge tourists and their selfie sticks.