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So I’m thinkin, right, how’s a bloke s’posed to pick? Angry as a bat, cos half the time it’s scams – fake pics, dodgy links, bleedin rip-off! Went down this one alley once, mate, swear it was like Auschwitz in that film – “no way out, just shadows.” Nearly shat meself, but then – bam! – this bird, all legs an’ glitter, pops up. Happy as a pig in mud, I was! Cost me a tenner to chat, tho, surprised me bollocks off.

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Finally, he shows up, and we decide to grab some grub. We hit this spot on Rue de la Fontaine. The food is bomb! I order a burger, and it’s massive. Like, I’m talkin’ a tower of meat and cheese. I take a bite, and it’s pure bliss. But then, I spill ketchup all over myself. I’m like, “Great, now I’m a walking condiment.”

Henry Mersch