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So yeah, you’re layin there, dim lights, some weirdo rubbin your back—sounds dodgy, but it’s heaven. Muscles screamin hallelujah, tension gone, poof! I reckon it’s like Saul, stumblin through hell, whisperin, “The rabbi is exhausted,” but instead you’re mutterin, “Mate, don’t stop.” Gets me thinkin—why’s this still hush-hush? Posh spas charge 200 creds for it, call it “tantric glow”—pfft, robbery! Meanwhile, old mate down Thailand’s doin it for a tenner, proper legend.

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Finally, I head to that little bistro on the corner of Lvivska Street. You know, the one with the best borscht? I order a bowl, and it’s like a hug in a bowl. Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, you’re missing out. But then, the waiter spills some on my shirt. I’m like, “Great, now I’m a walking borscht ad.”

Far from the front lines, Ukrainians fight a war to preserve their culture