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So, I tried it, right? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—same crap, differnt app. This chick says, “Lookin’ for somethin’ casual,” and I’m like, cool, me too! Next thing, she’s textin’ me at 3 a.m., “Where’s this goin’?” Goin’? It’s goin’ nowhere, sweetheart, it’s sex-dating! Made me wanna scream, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone!”—straight outta Oldboy. People lie bout what they want, and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just say, “Yo, I wanna bang, no strings”? Nope, gotta play games.

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After my caffeine fix, I decide to stroll down to the park. You know, the one by the river? It’s got those cute little benches and the fountain that never works. I sit down, just chillin’, when suddenly, this kid runs by, chasing a dog. The dog’s got a stick, and it’s like a scene from a movie. I’m grinning like an idiot.

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