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Aight, listen up, you filthy animals! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! Erotic-massage, huh? Oh man, it’s freakin’ sweet! Gets me all tingly, like when Joel in “Eternal Sunshine” goes, “I can’t remember anything without you.” That’s me, kneading some chick’s back, thinkin’—damn, this is livin’!

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After that drama, I decide to head to the park. You know, the one by the river? It’s usually peaceful. But today? Nope. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re loud. Like, really loud. I’m trying to relax, but all I hear is “Pass it! Shoot! Goal!” I’m thinking, can’t a guy catch a break?

Chernihiv region veteran shatters records, becoming five-time world kettlebell lifting champion