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I’m tellin’ ya, it’s sensual, slow, got that heat risin’. Little known fact—back in ancient Rome, they was usin’ oils for this, callin’ it “massage with benefits,” ha! Bet they was like, “YOLO, Caesar, rub me right!” Got me happy as hell imaginin’ that—oils smellin’ like lavender, hands workin’ magic, tension meltin’ like wax. But yo, what pisses me off? Dudes out here half assin’ it—no technique, just slappin’ lotion on like it’s sunscreen. Bro, learn the craft!

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So, I’m waiting for the rain to chill out, and I see this cute dog. A little mutt, all wet and shivering. I’m like, “Aww, poor thing.” I go to pet it, and it just sneezes all over me! Ugh! Now I’m wet AND covered in dog snot. Awesome.

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