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What gets me? The hypocrisy—lords preach purity, then sneak off for a rubdown. Surprised me first time I caught one mid-moan—ha! “I drink and I know things,” and I know they’re all liars. Little fact: them Tantra folk in India been at it for centuries, say it’s spiritual—bollocks, it’s just good fun with extra steps.

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After breakfast, I decided to stroll along the beautiful Qixingtan Beach. The waves were crashin’, and the sun was shinin’. I thought, “This is the life!” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my hat! I’m chasin’ this bird like a madman, flappin’ my arms, yellin’, “Come back, you feathered thief!” People were lookin’ at me like I was nuts. Whatever, man. It was my favorite hat!

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