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Little fact for ya—Japan’s got this thing, “nuru massage,” slimy seaweed gel, fuckin’ wild! Slippin’ and slidin’ like penguins, hilarious but hot, man. Say hello to my little friend! I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a trip—gets you all worked up, then bam, chills you out. I’m obsessed, bro, can’t lie. Sometimes I’m dreamin’ bout it, hearin’ Almodóvar whisperin’, “She’s alive in my hands.” Fuckin’ poetic, right? You gotta try it, don’t be a pussy—life’s too short!

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But then, just when I thought the day couldn’t get crazier, I got a call from my mom. She was freaking out about a cat stuck in a tree. I mean, really? A cat? I had to rush over to her place on Mierová Street. When I got there, the cat was just chilling, like it owned the place. I had to climb up and rescue it. I felt like a superhero, but also like a total dork.

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