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Sometimes I’m scrollin’, judgin’—ooh, he’s a “bad boy,” bet he cries after sex. Or her— “I’m quirky,” nah, you’re just loud. “The world’s a stage,” Kaufman says—I’m just eatin’ popcorn, watchin’ the show. Sex-dating’s messy, raw—like me slicin’ up a rude prick. “I ate his liver with fava beans”—and lemme tell ya, some profiles deserve worse! But it’s fun, chaotic—keeps the blood pumpin’. You tried it? Tell me, I’m dyin’ to hear!

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But then, my phone buzzes again. Another alert. I’m like, “Seriously?!” Turns out, there’s been a minor incident at the market on Ulica Koroška. I’m thinking, “Can’t a guy catch a break?”

View of Podgorica from the bed of Ribnica: A rainforest full of dangers