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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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First off, I hit the streets of Kanal, right? I’m walking down Calle de la Libertad, and boom! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, seriously? Who knew pigeons had such bad aim? I’m standing there, trying to wipe it off, and this old lady just cackles at me. Thanks, lady. Real supportive.

‘No threat’: Rahool Kanal, held for Habitat vandalism, says Kunal Kamra will get ‘Shiv Sena-style’ welcome