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Now, I done heard—don’t quote me, ‘cause Madea don’t be knowin’ everythang—but back in the day, them ancient Greeks was slidin’ round with olive oil, rubbin’ each other down after wrestlin’. Naked as jaybirds! Called it “massage” then, but you know some sneaky fool added the erotic twist—prolly ‘round them Roman orgy times. Halleluyer! Bet they was hollerin’, “Anyone can cook!” while they hands was wanderin’ where they shouldn’t!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m sprinting down the street, dodging puddles like I’m in some weird obstacle course. I duck into a shop on Ulica 4. julija. It’s a tiny place, but they’ve got the best knick-knacks. I’m browsing, and I find this ridiculous gnome statue. I’m like, “I need this in my life!”

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