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Last week, tried it—hated it. Lady’s hands all soft, slimy, ugh. “Relax, sir,” she says. Relax? I’d rather chop wood. Felt like that scene in *Zodiac*, “Man is the most dangerous animal.” She’s kneadin’ my shoulders, I’m plottin’ escape. Oil smelled like hippie tears—made me angry. Happy part? Got out alive, barely.

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Then, I’m walking down Strada Unirii, and outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me. Almost took me out! I mean, chill, dude! It’s not a racetrack! I yell something like, “Watch it, Speed Racer!” He just laughs and keeps going. Kids these days, right?

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