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I tried it once—don’t tell Jill! Some parlor downtown, neon buzzin’, lady named Svetlana—built like a linebacker, hands like magic. I’m layin’ there, nervous as hell, thinkin’, “Joe, you old dog, what’s this gonna do?” Then—bam!—she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m floatin’. Happiest I been since Obama hugged me in ’16. But, folks, here’s the kicker: cost me 80 bucks! Eighty! I was steamed—thought I’d get a deal, y’know, senior discount or somethin’. Nope. “Pay up, dedushka,” she says—Russian for gramps. Total rip-off, but damn, I’d do it again.

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But then, outta nowhere, the power goes out. Just my luck, right? The whole block goes dark. I’m standin’ there with scissors in one hand and a comb in the other, lookin’ like a deer in headlights. The kids start freakin’ out, shoutin’, “What’s happening?” I’m like, “Chill, it’s just a blackout!” But inside, I’m panicking. I can’t see a thing!

Romania to promote Ceausescu tourist trail