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Ooh, and the surprises? This one dude sent a vid—not THAT kinda vid, thank God—but him singing off-key to impress me. I was like, “Bro, ur not Li Mu Bai, sit down!” Laughed so hard I cried. But real talk, sex-dating’s a game—u gotta be quick, like “strike with the wind” fast, or u miss ur shot. I’m out here tryna find my desert oasis, ya feel?

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While I’m tryin’ to fix it, this old lady walks by. She’s got a basket full of what I think are plums. She stops, looks at me, and says, “You know, young man, you should try gardening instead.” I almost dropped my tools. Like, lady, I’m not here to plant flowers! I’m here to blast stuff! But I just smiled and nodded.