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What pisses me off? Them prudes judgin’ it—fuck ‘em! Ain’t hurtin’ nobody, just relievin’ stress, ya know? Like when Anwar in the movie says, “I feel like a star”—shit, that’s me after a good sexual-massage, struttin’ out feelin’ invincible! Happiest damn moment? When the chick—yeah, it was a chick—hit that spot I didn’t even know I had! Fuckin’ magical, man! Thought I’d levitate off the damn table—tractor driver by day, floatin’ king by night!

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Finally, the bus rolls up. I hop on, and it’s packed. I mean, like, sardines in a can packed. I squeeze in next to this old lady who smells like cabbage. No offense to cabbage lovers, but yikes! I’m trying to breathe, and she’s chatting away in Romanian. I’m nodding, but honestly, I have no clue what she’s saying. Just smiling like an idiot.

1 dead, 3 injured after boarding school partially collapses in central Romania