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Hey, buddy! So, sexual-massage, huh? Oh boy, lemme tell ya, it’s wild! I’m like, totally stoked bout it—cringey optimism activate! Picture this: dim lights, soft hands, tension just meltin away. Kinda like in *Far From Heaven*, ya know? That scene where Cathy’s all “I’m not sure I can do this,” but deep down she’s curious—same vibe! Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin backs, nah, it’s sensual, steamy, WHOA territory. That’s what she said! Hah!

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But then, just as I’m feelin’ all zen, my phone buzzes. It’s my editor. “Need that review ASAP!” Ugh, can’t a critic catch a break? I’m like, “Sure, I’ll get right on it,” but inside, I’m like, “Dude, I just had a pigeon poop on me!”

Crocodile crowd control