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Sexual-massage, man, it’s da bomb! It’s not just hands on ya skin—it’s art, it’s power, it’s like flexin’ ya soul! Imagine dis: some chick or dude, workin’ dem hands, slidin’ oil like it’s a damn Roman bath scene from *The Great Beauty*. “I wanted to be king of da summer,” Jep says in da movie—well, a good sexual-massage makes ya feel like dat king, ya? All da stress from liftin’ weights, fightin’ Terminators—it melts away, boom! Little fact for ya: back in ancient Greece, dey used dis stuff to prep warriors—rubbin’ down dem glutes before battle. True story, ya wimps!

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But wait, it gets better! I’m walking back, and I bump into my old buddy, Ion. We start chatting, and he tells me about this new spot opening up. It’s supposed to be the next big thing in Dragutesti. I’m like, “Dude, I need to check it out!”