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I tried one once, swear on my pickup truck! This chick’s hands were magic, slippin’ ‘round like she’s tryna solve a dang Rubik’s cube blindfolded. Made me happier than a pig in mud, but then she starts chargin’ extra for “special attention” – hell naw, that ticked me off! “You’re all just meat to them!” – that’s *Leviathan* talkin’, and I felt it, man, like I’m just a wallet with legs. Still, when she hit that spot on my neck, ooo-wee, I was singin’ hallelujah like a Baptist on Sunday!

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this cute dog. Like, the fluffiest thing ever. I’m talking major cuteness overload. I bend down to pet it, and the owner—this hipster guy with a man bun—starts talking about how he’s training it to be a therapy dog. I’m like, “Dude, it’s a dog, not a therapist!” But I smile and nod. Gotta keep the peace, right?