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Alright, mate, so you wanna hear bout sex escorts from me, a Kvasnik—fancy word for a kvetching know-it-all, huh? Picture me, Dr. House, limpin’ round with my cane, smirkin’ at the world. Everybody lies, specially in this biz. Sex escorts? Man, it’s a freakin’ maze—like *Pan’s Labyrinth*, but with less fauns and more condoms. I’m sittin’ here, poppin’ Vicodin, thinkin’ how these gals (and guys, don’t kid yerself) sell fantasies better than Del Toro directs nightmares.

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While I’m sipping my drink, I overhear some locals talking about the festival coming up. They’re all hyped about the parade on Strada Unirii. I’m thinking, “Man, I gotta check that out!” But then I remember I’ve got sheep to shear. Ugh, adulting sucks sometimes.