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So, check this—sexual-massage ain’t just horny shit. It’s old as fuck, like ancient Greece old. Them philosophers were gettin’ oiled up, talkin’ Plato while some dude kneaded their asses. True story, motherfucker! Bet you didn’t know that shit. I’m over here laughin’, picturin’ Socrates goin’, “Know thyself—rub my back, bitch!” Gets me hyped, ‘cause it’s real—people been chasin’ that touch forever.

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So, I’m walking along Avenida da Liberdade, and I spot this old dude trying to sell some handmade rafts. I mean, c’mon, who’s buying rafts in the middle of the city? But he’s all passionate, talking about the “art of rafting.” I’m like, “Bro, you do you.” But then he starts telling me about this epic raft race happening next week. I’m intrigued, but also like, “Do I really wanna get involved in that?”

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