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So, I tried it meself once—disaster! This bloke, right, profile says “fit, fun, 6’2”—turns up, 5’5, smells like old chips! I’m screamin’ in me head, “You donkey! Where’s the bloody honesty?!” Ghosted him faster than you can say “lamb sauce.” Little known fact—did ya know sex-dating apps started way back with gay dudes? Grindr beat Tinder to the punch—2009, bitches! Straight folks were still writin’ love letters or some shit.

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First off, I hit the streets. You know, those cobblestone ones that make you feel like you’re in a medieval movie? Yeah, those. I was strolling down Rua da Porta da Vila, feeling all artsy and stuff. Then BAM! A cat jumps outta nowhere. Like, dude, chill! I almost dropped my coffee.

Solomon Agyapong arrives in Portugal ahead of potential move to Silves FC